


Lights Down Low

by kyeopen



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Band, Christmas, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, TOPFL Christmas Challenge, joshler - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 19:15:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16980231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyeopen/pseuds/kyeopen
Summary: Tyler really hates Christmas





	Lights Down Low

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lotrtrash](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lotrtrash/gifts).



> This is a gift for my bestest fren Ana. 
> 
> Three years ago, I was so scared to go to this Twenty One Pilots show in London on my own and I'm so glad I did, otherwise I wouldn't have met one of the most important persons (people? Idk it seems weird I'm french and I'm too tired to think) in my life.
> 
> Ana, thank you for being such an amazing friend. I love you tons. Can't wait to see your face again in Madrid.

Tyler hates Christmas.

 

He hasn’t always hated it, though. As a matter of fact, he even used to love it. As a child, that is. He used to love everything about it. The build-up, the illumination, the Christmas carols, the movies, the overall atmosphere… Everything about Christmas used to fill him with an unrivaled feeling of happiness.

It still does sometimes, although it’s very rare. You may be wondering what made him change his mind. You could ask him the question and he would probably only tell you that _life_ did. Then you would maybe think that he’s just a pessimistic and boring human-being who can’t bring himself to be happy during the ‘most wonderful time of the year’, but again, that would only be your mere and biased opinion.

‘Dude, cheer up! It’s almost Christmas!’ Tyler’s coworker suddenly speaks with a loud voice, bringing him back to reality, or in that case, to this cold day of December and this Christmas playlist being played on repeat on the music store he’s currently working in.

It feels to him that Christmas has been marketed as a season for joy, as an excuse to feel happy, and of all people being overly joyful during this time of year, his coworker is part of the ones Tyler probably hates the most: the ones making him feel guilty not to feel constantly happy during the build-up to Christmas.

 

‘ _Dude_ , this Christmas playlist is on repeat for more than two hours and it would drive everyone mad. Even Josh. And god does he love Christmas.’

 _Ah_. _Josh._ Boy does he love him but even him, his loving boyfriend, can get on his nerves during Christmas. He wouldn’t have thought, back in his early twenties, that he would get on so well with someone who loves Christmas more than anything else in the world, but he has learned over the years that he’s wrong about many things.

Luckily for him, his intense and profound hate for Christmas still hasn’t appeared to be a deal breaker for the both of them. Which seems a bit logical considering Tyler still hasn’t told him about it.

They’ve been together for a year now and there hasn’t been a single moment when Tyler has felt like it was the right time to tell his boyfriend that he simply _hates_ Christmas. They’ve started dating one year ago, a few days before December and really, Tyler could have been straight and tell him then. Because in all honesty, hating Christmas shouldn’t be that big of a deal. _Right?_ And he was about to do so, but that’s when he discovered that Josh too wasn’t experiencing the same feelings than most people when it came to Christmas. Oh no. He _loved_ Christmas. With his whole heart. Tyler hasn’t been willing to ruin his holiday back then. So he went along with the forced happiness.

And now Tyler finds himself in a difficult position. Back then he hasn’t even thought about the fact that he could still be in the same relationship one year later. And in all honesty, he isn’t really planning of telling him anything this Christmas either; but he just doesn’t know how much time he can go on pretending.

‘Speaking of Josh.’ Mark, another one of his coworker and his long time best-friend, says. ‘Still busy with the Christmas preparations?’

‘Oh god, don’t get me started.’ Tyler answers. ‘We’re not even mid December and he’s already bought a fucking tree. And it’s so huge. Mark. It’s so _huge_. It takes the whole space in the living-room.’

‘Man, I can’t begin to imagine how you must feel.’ He says with a mocking smile.

‘He even bought us matching Christmas jumpers.’ Tyler adds after a while, and Mark bursts out laughing.

‘Dude, tell him that you hate Christmas already. Before it gets worse.’

‘I don’t see how it can get worse, Mark.’ Tyler remarks. ‘I guess I’m just scared.’

‘Of his reaction?’

‘Hum.’ Tyler nods.

‘Dude, come on, it’s Josh we’re talking about. I know his love for Christmas can be a bit creepy but he won’t get mad at you just because you don’t feel the same way. That’d be fucked up.’

‘I’m not scared of him getting mad at me for hating Christmas. I’m scared of him getting mad at me for not having said anything for over a _year_.’

‘Good point.’ Mark says. ‘The sooner the better.’ He advises and Tyler only nods, bringing his attention back to the shelf he’s reorganizing.

Soon enough, it’s time for him to go back home and to join Josh who is probably already waiting for him in the apartment they now share for about three months. He gathers his belonging and makes his way outside the store after giving one last smile to his coworkers.

It’s only a ten minutes walk and Tyler quickly finds himself climbing the stairs leading him to their flat. It’s a small flat, just enough for the two of them. But the rents in San Francisco are so high Tyler feels lucky to have found something like this in the first place.

He opens the door and can’t help but to smile wide when he finds his boyfriend in the kitchen, baking cookies. Josh always bakes a little bit more than usual around Christmas and Tyler is pretty sure he’s gained more than 5 kg over the last couple of days.

‘What’s up?’ Josh asks with a smile. ‘How was your day?’

‘Fine.’ Tyler only says, not having it in him to give any details.

‘Okay.’ Josh answers, confused. ‘You want to talk about it?’

‘I said it went _fine_ , Josh.’ Tyler repeats as he lets himself fall on the sofa. He places a pillow behind his head and closes his eyes, while slowly rubbing his temples with a tips of his fingers.

‘Alright. Not in a good mood. I get it.’ Josh only says after a few seconds before bringing back his attention to the cookies.

Tyler says nothing for a while, and he knows Josh won’t say a word either. It’s not the first time he comes back home in a terrible mood and he always needs to have some alone-time before he can go on with the day.

But this time is different. This time, he’s maybe a little more on edge than usual and then this same Christmas carol is being played on the radio and Tyler suddenly loses it.

‘Oh my god, do you think you can listen to something else than these Christmas songs for one fucking second?’ He yells while standing up. But Josh doesn’t say anything. He only looks at him for a while and turns off the radio.

‘Aren’t you going to say something?’ Tyler adds.

‘No.’ Josh only answers. ‘Not when you’re like this.’

‘When I’m like what?’

‘When you’re angry and thus, not being fair.’

‘I’m not fucking angry.’ Tyler says, on the defensive.

‘Right.’ Josh answers, putting the cookies in the oven.

Tyler stays there for a few seconds and when it’s clear that he won’t get anything from Josh, he lets out a big sigh and locks himself in the bathroom. He splashes water on his face a few times and eventually decides to take a shower to try and think about something else than what just happened. When he goes out of the room, fresh cookies are positioned on a plate and Josh seems concentrated on the news which, again, only talk about the Christmas festivities.

‘You’re feeling better?’ Josh asks, looking up at him.

‘Yeah.’ Tyler only answers. He would usually join Josh and snuggle into him on the sofa but this time, he takes a seat on the couch, on the other side of the room.

‘What’s on your mind?’ His boyfriend asks after a while.

‘Nothing.’ Tyler says. ‘I’m great.’

‘Clearly, you’re not.’ Josh contradicts him. ‘We should talk about it.’

‘There’s nothing to talk about.’ Tyler says, abruptly. He’s acting like a child, and he’s well aware of that. But he’s just not sure he can address the matter without getting mad.

‘Okay.’ Josh tells him.’Wanna watch a Christmas movie then?’

‘No, Josh, I don’t want to watch a fucking Christmas movie.’

‘Alright, what’s up with you?’ Josh says another time, turning off the TV.

‘There’s nothing u-’

‘Oh my god, Tyler, stop acting like a fucking child, alright?’ Josh suddenly adds, louder, making Tyler jump. ‘There’s clearly something wrong with you. You can ignore it all you want, or try to hide it from me, but you’ll eventually have to talk about it! You’re so grumpy. All the fucking time. And believe me, I’m trying very hard to help you relax but it’s not so easy when my boyfriend acts like a five years-old.’ Josh adds. ‘So I’m going to ask you one more time. What the fuck is wrong with you?’

‘I fucking hate Christmas, alright!’ Tyler eventually yells. ‘I hate Christmas. That’s what’s wrong with me.’

‘You hate Christmas?’ Josh repeats, confused.

‘I do.’ Tyler only answers with a much lower voice.

‘Okay.’ Josh says, his voice calm. ‘Why is that?’

‘Why is what?’

‘Why do you hate Christmas?’ Josh asks, taking a seat next to him.

‘You wouldn’t understand.’ Tyler says, looking down at his hands. ‘It’s such a big deal to you, I… You’ll probably get mad. And arguing with you is the last thing I want at the moment.’

‘Tyler, it’s not because Christmas is a big deal to me that I won’t understand your point of view. Talk to me. Please.’

‘I just… I haven’t always hated it, alright? I even used to love it. Maybe not as much as you do but… Yeah. I loved it. I loved the atmosphere. It was the time of the year I was looking forward to the most. But then, I guess I… I guess I just grew up. When you’re a child, you just… You just don’t realize how hard it can be, sometimes. Especially during Christmas times.

‘What happened, then?’ Josh asks, placing one of his hands on Tyler’s knee.

‘I don’t know, it’s just… It all seems so fake, you know? There’s this constant pressure… To be happy. It’s almost like… Like you _have to_ feel happy around Christmas. I almost feel like it’s an obligation. There’s this forced happiness. Everywhere I look. And then there’s this huge gap between how I think I should feel and how I really feel. And it makes me think of everything going wrong in my life and everything I don’t like about myself and it’s… It’s overwhelming. And I know how much you love Christmas, and I get it. Trust me, I do. I do get it. And I’m not going to ask you to tone it down because I’m probably just a fucked up human being who can’t seem to appreciate Christmas as much as he should but...’

‘Sometimes, it’s too much?’

‘Yeah. Exactly.’

‘Why haven’t you talked to me about it sooner?’

‘I wanted to. So many times. But you seem so excited that I just… I guess I didn’t want to ruin your favorite time of the year.’

‘You didn’t ruin anything.’

‘And I _am_ happy. I am. Most of the times, at least. This life… This life with you... It’s so much more than anything I could have wished for. But… Christmas can be a nightmare sometimes. I feel like I’m not allowed to feel sad anymore. I feel like I’m not allowed to feel angry, to feel frustrated, or grumpy, or distressed. Happiness is the only way. And when I do feel sad, people are always going to brush it off because _‘Dude, it’s Christmas! Why are you so grumpy?’_ And you do it too, Josh. All the time. And I don’t want to sound rude because I know you mean well but I just want you to understand how frustrating it can be to hear that all the fucking time.’

‘I’m sorry.’ Josh eventually says after a few seconds.

‘Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault.’

‘But it is. And I’m sorry I didn’t realize that sooner. It’s such a festive time for me that I tend to forget about my problems. But it doesn’t give me the right to discredit your feelings. So really. I’m sorry. I truly am.’

‘It’s alright.’

‘I just felt like you were sadder than usual. But I understand now. At least, I think I do.’

‘It’s not that. It’s just that happiness intensifies around Christmas. And it’s a good thing. But people should also remember that _because_ happiness intensifies, everything else intensifies too. At least for me. My happiness intensifies but then at the same time I feel like my sadness becomes more intense, that my anxiety gets worse, that my anger grows stronger.’ Tyler clarifies. ‘I don’t hate Christmas, per se. I guess it’s just a mixed bag.’

‘I promise I’ll be more careful from now on.’

‘And I promise I’ll try to enjoy Christmas a little more. It’s not just a bad thing after all.’

‘Yeah?’ Josh says, smiling.

‘Yeah.’ Tyler assures. ‘For instance, it means I can stuff myself a lot more than usual.’

Josh lets out a small laugh and slowly presses their lips together, placing his right hand on the back of his neck.

‘I love you.’

‘Love you too.’ Tyler answers. ‘Does the offer of stuffing our faces with your cookies in front of a Christmas movie still stand?’

‘Of course.’ Josh says. ‘As long as I get to cuddle you’

‘Seems like a plan.’

**Author's Note:**

> For the record, I love Christmas so much but many friends of mine don't and I guess I just wanted to write something about it. Hope you enjoyed. Please tell me what you think :)


End file.
